tuberculosis.
a disease that consumes your thoughts. it makes you get sick with butterflies. you can’t focus on anything but the disease. you feel like it’s meant for you. but then you’re cured.
BEGGARS CANNOT BE CHOOSERS
IF YOU FORGET THAT 1 O’CLOCK MEANS BE READY ON TIME, DON’T FUCKING EXPECT ME TO CHANGE MY SCHEDULE TO YOU. YOU BLEW ME OFF SO IT’S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM IF YOU CAN’T PLAY 6TH GRADE LEVEL MUSIC ANYMORE. BEGGARS CANNOT BE CHOOSERS.
this is home. bustling streets with people everywhere. when i go home, i don’t see dirty streets and hot sun, beggars living in slums. no. i see hard workers going about their daily lives. i see interactions that i can’t have here. i see freedom. freedom where i belong. i don’t feel at home in america. i don’t feel american at all. i used to, but now i don’t. i’m trying to make myself believe in all the wonders here. america is beautiful, and i love it. but when i go home, i feel like i’m meant to be there. i have roots there. i went to a small village in Coimbatore, and i saw my great grandfather’s picture hanging in a charity marriage hall. random people knew me because of him. i have history back home. extended family. the small village where my grandmother was born- i’m from there. i can say that i descended from this place, my ancestors worked for the king of Mysore. when i go home, i feellike despite the fact i can’t fluently speak any of its languages, read or write them, i belong there. i’m so happy there. people don’t understand the beauty. that’s where i fit in. with the culture flowing out of every corner. home. india.
so confused.
i’m upset that i don’t feel like pursuing anyone. i know that it’s okay, that the time will come when i feel that way about someone, but i still want it even if i don’t feel like i do right now. and the worst part is that i’m so conflicted because it goes against all my values: lying to my parents, sneaking around. how can i want to be a good daughter and want to be with someone at the same time? two conflicting dreams.
i miss what i’ll never get to have in high school. holding someone’s hand as they kiss me in the rain. going on group dates to play hide and seek in the dark in someone’s basement. bringing you over to my house. having my parents see how cute we are. talking together in the school hallways holding hands. walking around town with you. going on dates. a boyfriend.
i hate the fact that i’m so moody and he’s so good to me. he deals with everything. and he knows me so well, but i fail to show him that i know him so well and love him equally in return.
“Those who are brave do not live forever. But those who are cautions do not live at all.”
The life lessons you learn from Princess Diaries.
I have had my fair share of lying and sneaking around in middle school. Nothing was too badass, but for my standards, I got in trouble. I wish I could do things like that again. I want to have fun in high school, and I am, but I want to go wild. Not get drunk and raped in the middle of the night or anything, but do something I will remember 50 years from now. Not some cozy little band party, or taking Fanta shots in someone’s basement (okay, maybe I’ll remember that one). I want to have that memorable experience, that when I come home and get grounded for, I still won’t regret it. I’ll have that wild rush on my mind, and smile about it every time it crosses my mind. Some awesome experience that makes me feel like I just did something really incredible.
I only hope I will have the courage to do that. Right now, I’m still too cautious.
Dear Melanie and Amie,
i don’t post things very often, so you might not even see this. but that doesn’t matter. we have been close for so long. you know all the problems we’ve had this year? like with me i mean. i was so incredibly jealous of you two, that you were closer, and i was even jealous of your fights. that you guys still fight. because to me, fighting friends means closer friends. and i used to try to butt in so much. but now, i’ve realized how much i’ve lost from pushing too hard. and things are finally falling together. i get to see you more often, and we are getting close again. but seeing your recent fight, i just want to let you guys know that i’m dealing with the same problems. Amie, i’ve stopped telling every single detail to you guys, and Melanie, you know that you have to start making an effort to listen to us too. Like how when you tell us openly, i listen and try to change. and if i haven’t, i’ll try harder. but i feel like you keep hiding behind that “it’s just my personality” excuse. sooner or later, you’re gonna have to realize that you need to try to change, even if it’s in baby steps. i’m not fighting or pointing finger right now or anything. i just wanna capture this moment in our friendship, and try to tell you guys something. My dance teacher was having a fight with her friends of 30 years. one friend was mad at the other, so she told her, “what do you want me to do? go start a fight? we know that she is manipulative, and we can’t change that. people ask me why i’m friends with her when she’s like that. i’m friends with her cuz i wanna be friends with her, and i’m not gonna destroy a 30 year friendship because of things i can’t change.” so that’s my lesson to you guys… i’m so proud of you both for overcoming this fight. i’m glad that we know how to deal with these things better now.
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